Published October 12, 2008
The trees are moving on their own again,
my eyes open to contradict the air,
I'm wandering in a world where notions tie like chains,
the fabrications proudly declared.
I have never seen a heart,
I have never come across a mind,
people say I'm not being smart,
but I'm convinced I'm not blind.
What is brilliant for you, I cannot see,
whatever you think is true, you cannot prove,
if you knew, you would not blame me,
for what you see now has failed me too.
When you had something that was taken away,
you become like a ghost, alive but very much asleep,
unaware of the glory surrounding you, you lay,
alone in the dark, with mirrors that weep.
When you have nothing left to hold on to,
you learn to rely on your two noble eyes,
you learn to disregard what you thought you knew,
you learn to take what you can't see as a lie.
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
This was a very good poem. I liked pretty much everything about it.
I would just like to point out that I comment on the piece and not the words, or techniques or anything like that. I review/leave little comments or whatever you want to call it, on the piece itself.
Which is why I am going to say that it was wonderful. It wasn't so strong emotion wise but there was feeling there, a tone of subtilty in some weird way that only I can understand.
BEAUTIFUL! I really enjoyed reading this. It flows very well and it has a very distict message to me. =]
Keep it up!
Over all I liked this piece. It flowed alright and its imagery was there. Even so it's no perfect and that is way we are here. Alright, here I go.
1) I'm not sure what I would add, but a lot of the lines seem like they are missing a word or have on too many throwing off the flow a bit. Reread it, I may be wrong.
2) Even though I like the feeling behind the poem, I find it hard to understand what your talking about. i have a few ideas, but exactly I have no idea. I learned, on here no less, that if you have to explain the true meaning, event, or purpose about your poem outside of it you're only half done. Work on that and the poem will be 100x better.
hm, I think that's it. Like I said you have a nice poem, just a few things to fix from my point of view. Good luck and pm me when you edit it please, thanks
~Mr. Pie